Lately I feel like a mentally unstable baboon, barely making it through the motions of everyday life. One second I'm a giggle machine, and the next I'm a blubbering mess. I have never felt so completely out of control of my emotions, and I'm not sure what is the next step for me. I wish more than ever life came with an instruction manual- something I could turn to when I have no other option. Wouldn't it be comforting having a guide explaining how to best handle any situation thrown in our path? Maybe that is what God is for. Maybe this is why I'm on the worst roller coaster ride of my life. If I have no one else to turn to, wouldn't it only make sense that God would be there? Serious re-dedication to Christ is in order...where do I begin?
I am surrounded by a sea of my boyfriend, friends, family, and acquaintances. I should feel far from lonely, yet this is the loneliest I have felt in years. More than likely, I am doing this to myself. I am becoming my own problem, and though I am complaining, I have done nothing to change it. Maybe I am distancing myself from everyone, and detaching my true emotions from every conversation. Opening up is hard for me, mainly because I have been lead to avoid doing so my whole life. If I could open up completely to just one person, the chances of the weight I carry every day lifting are extremely high. It is neither normal, nor healthy to retain everything within. If others are willing to share with me some of their deepest, darkest, and most sacred emotions and thoughts, why shouldn't I reciprocate? I'll tell you why...I know what it's like to be the person on the other end. I know how suffocating it is being the "go-to girl" for all emotional draining. I become the girl who is drained. I begin to carry the weight that they are releasing. It is not their fault, it is who I am. I am someone who makes everyone else's problems my own, and I exhaust myself trying to find a solution. What about my problems? Where is the solution for me? I have become so entangled in being the one who listens, I have forgotten what it's like to speak. I exert so much energy on those I care for that I am too depleted to work on myself. Enough is enough already!! Call me cold, call me selfish. I can no longer spend the majority of my time on others and continue to neglect myself. I can listen to other's and console them when needed, but I must discipline myself to gain the wisdom and knowledge to know that I cannot do more than that at this point. How can I help others when I can't even help myself? I must fix me before I fix you, and if this isn't an acceptable reality for you...I am sorry.
A dear friend told me this afternoon that I am an over comer. I have never appreciated a compliment more than I did hers. I have defeated all of the odds against me. I have become the exception in my family, and I have never been more proud of this. Please don't misinterpret what I am saying. My family is the most amazing family a girl could ask for. However, under some of the circumstances (an alcoholic stepmother, an abusive stepfather, and a serious financial struggle), I have overcome the odds of my future. I am a straight A pre-nursing student with more motivation than I can contain. I am a hard-working individual who is blessed with an amazing job and the opportunity to socialize with some incredible and interesting people. I am continuing to strive for more, strive to be better for myself and my family. I have been robbed of my childhood, and it is a daily struggle not to become bitter because of it. I do not blame anyone in my life for this. I accept full responsibility...the exact reasoning behind this. Again, this all boils down to me trying and trying to fix everyone and everything. I just want better for those I love. I see so much in them, and I wish more than ever they saw it too. I have the most beautiful, talented, and kind people in my life. They need to see their potential.
All I want from today is contentment of life at this point. I just want 5 minutes of acceptance that this is the hand I have been dealt in life, and though at times it isn't ideal...it is mine. There are only two ways it can go at this point- up or down. And either way the luck falls, I know that I can get through anything. All I can do is appreciate the good, and learn from the bad- knowing all the time that in an instant things can change. This is what will keep me going.
Until then...I'll continue my journey to becoming Erin.
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