Today will be my first day going back to work after this horrible sickness. It's bittersweet for me. 4 days off, with nothing to worry about but laying in bed and feeling better was so incredibly nice and relaxing. This was definitely something I needed, just wish it didn't go hand in hand with coughing up a lung, running a fever, and feeling like death. However, I am so anxious and ready to get back to work. I miss the interactions I get from work. I meet so many amazing and interesting people, and I miss my coworkers! I'm actually feeling better today. Today I actually feel normal, and I can go for more than 30 minutes without coughing until I can't breathe. I like this healthy feeling. I've missed it.
After being holed up inside the house, I have this unnerving desire to get out and explore. No, I'm not going Christopher Columbus exploring. I just miss the world. I miss going out on days off, or days I don't go in until late and doing something or nothing- just being out. I have become so consumed with making sure I have someone to do something with or somewhere in particular to go. I need to realize that I can go out alone. I can have fun by myself, and not necessarily doing anything special. The best things in life are free- I have always been told that from very little. I think I've lost sight of that, too. I need to open the blinds, and let some light in. I need to air out the house, do some spring cleaning, and enjoy my life more. No, I'm not rich- I'm struggling. But I am alive, and I am healthy for the most part. This should be the best time of my life, and I am too busy worrying about petty things to enjoy it. I need to grab ahold of my boyfriend, and take him for a picnic on the beach, or go on a walk. Something...anything. We need to find each other again, and we need to find ourselves. So this is my vow. From this point forward, once a week I'll do something free, something fun, and something outside. I'm going to enjoy life.
I just realized that as I'm getting better, my restless legs are from not going to the gym! I need to get my butt back in gear and get my butt back into the gym. This time, however, I'm going to pace myself. Results aren't going to come as fast as I want them to. I need to realize that a steady pace is even better than an overload of working out. I can and will get to where I need to be. I have never been more excited!! I feel so much better when I work out, and I feel like I am finally taking control of my life. The gym and I are becoming great friends, and I have a feeling we're only going to get closer. ;)
I don't know why I decided to write, there really was no purpose to this blog, but I just want to let it all out. There isn't really anything important, but it's something I want to share. I just want to talk, and talk, and talk. And people probably don't want to listen. But maybe I should let them be the deciding factor in that. I should give people the opportunity to hear what I have to say and how I'm feeling. I might even be surprised at how many people are willing to listen, and will open up to me too! I need more friends. I need more people to surround myself with who are good, genuine people. There are so many people I know who are like that, I just hold them off. It's time for me to let the walls down, and enjoy the people in my life. I'll start that today too! With all these resolutions it's like New Year's! Speaking of that, can you believe the holidays are here?! I'm definitely not ready. But, ready or not here they come!
Until next time...
I'll be here, becoming Erin.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
I'd rather you rob me of my riches...
Lately I feel like a mentally unstable baboon, barely making it through the motions of everyday life. One second I'm a giggle machine, and the next I'm a blubbering mess. I have never felt so completely out of control of my emotions, and I'm not sure what is the next step for me. I wish more than ever life came with an instruction manual- something I could turn to when I have no other option. Wouldn't it be comforting having a guide explaining how to best handle any situation thrown in our path? Maybe that is what God is for. Maybe this is why I'm on the worst roller coaster ride of my life. If I have no one else to turn to, wouldn't it only make sense that God would be there? Serious re-dedication to Christ is in order...where do I begin?
I am surrounded by a sea of my boyfriend, friends, family, and acquaintances. I should feel far from lonely, yet this is the loneliest I have felt in years. More than likely, I am doing this to myself. I am becoming my own problem, and though I am complaining, I have done nothing to change it. Maybe I am distancing myself from everyone, and detaching my true emotions from every conversation. Opening up is hard for me, mainly because I have been lead to avoid doing so my whole life. If I could open up completely to just one person, the chances of the weight I carry every day lifting are extremely high. It is neither normal, nor healthy to retain everything within. If others are willing to share with me some of their deepest, darkest, and most sacred emotions and thoughts, why shouldn't I reciprocate? I'll tell you why...I know what it's like to be the person on the other end. I know how suffocating it is being the "go-to girl" for all emotional draining. I become the girl who is drained. I begin to carry the weight that they are releasing. It is not their fault, it is who I am. I am someone who makes everyone else's problems my own, and I exhaust myself trying to find a solution. What about my problems? Where is the solution for me? I have become so entangled in being the one who listens, I have forgotten what it's like to speak. I exert so much energy on those I care for that I am too depleted to work on myself. Enough is enough already!! Call me cold, call me selfish. I can no longer spend the majority of my time on others and continue to neglect myself. I can listen to other's and console them when needed, but I must discipline myself to gain the wisdom and knowledge to know that I cannot do more than that at this point. How can I help others when I can't even help myself? I must fix me before I fix you, and if this isn't an acceptable reality for you...I am sorry.
A dear friend told me this afternoon that I am an over comer. I have never appreciated a compliment more than I did hers. I have defeated all of the odds against me. I have become the exception in my family, and I have never been more proud of this. Please don't misinterpret what I am saying. My family is the most amazing family a girl could ask for. However, under some of the circumstances (an alcoholic stepmother, an abusive stepfather, and a serious financial struggle), I have overcome the odds of my future. I am a straight A pre-nursing student with more motivation than I can contain. I am a hard-working individual who is blessed with an amazing job and the opportunity to socialize with some incredible and interesting people. I am continuing to strive for more, strive to be better for myself and my family. I have been robbed of my childhood, and it is a daily struggle not to become bitter because of it. I do not blame anyone in my life for this. I accept full responsibility...the exact reasoning behind this. Again, this all boils down to me trying and trying to fix everyone and everything. I just want better for those I love. I see so much in them, and I wish more than ever they saw it too. I have the most beautiful, talented, and kind people in my life. They need to see their potential.
All I want from today is contentment of life at this point. I just want 5 minutes of acceptance that this is the hand I have been dealt in life, and though at times it isn't ideal...it is mine. There are only two ways it can go at this point- up or down. And either way the luck falls, I know that I can get through anything. All I can do is appreciate the good, and learn from the bad- knowing all the time that in an instant things can change. This is what will keep me going.
Until then...I'll continue my journey to becoming Erin.
I am surrounded by a sea of my boyfriend, friends, family, and acquaintances. I should feel far from lonely, yet this is the loneliest I have felt in years. More than likely, I am doing this to myself. I am becoming my own problem, and though I am complaining, I have done nothing to change it. Maybe I am distancing myself from everyone, and detaching my true emotions from every conversation. Opening up is hard for me, mainly because I have been lead to avoid doing so my whole life. If I could open up completely to just one person, the chances of the weight I carry every day lifting are extremely high. It is neither normal, nor healthy to retain everything within. If others are willing to share with me some of their deepest, darkest, and most sacred emotions and thoughts, why shouldn't I reciprocate? I'll tell you why...I know what it's like to be the person on the other end. I know how suffocating it is being the "go-to girl" for all emotional draining. I become the girl who is drained. I begin to carry the weight that they are releasing. It is not their fault, it is who I am. I am someone who makes everyone else's problems my own, and I exhaust myself trying to find a solution. What about my problems? Where is the solution for me? I have become so entangled in being the one who listens, I have forgotten what it's like to speak. I exert so much energy on those I care for that I am too depleted to work on myself. Enough is enough already!! Call me cold, call me selfish. I can no longer spend the majority of my time on others and continue to neglect myself. I can listen to other's and console them when needed, but I must discipline myself to gain the wisdom and knowledge to know that I cannot do more than that at this point. How can I help others when I can't even help myself? I must fix me before I fix you, and if this isn't an acceptable reality for you...I am sorry.
A dear friend told me this afternoon that I am an over comer. I have never appreciated a compliment more than I did hers. I have defeated all of the odds against me. I have become the exception in my family, and I have never been more proud of this. Please don't misinterpret what I am saying. My family is the most amazing family a girl could ask for. However, under some of the circumstances (an alcoholic stepmother, an abusive stepfather, and a serious financial struggle), I have overcome the odds of my future. I am a straight A pre-nursing student with more motivation than I can contain. I am a hard-working individual who is blessed with an amazing job and the opportunity to socialize with some incredible and interesting people. I am continuing to strive for more, strive to be better for myself and my family. I have been robbed of my childhood, and it is a daily struggle not to become bitter because of it. I do not blame anyone in my life for this. I accept full responsibility...the exact reasoning behind this. Again, this all boils down to me trying and trying to fix everyone and everything. I just want better for those I love. I see so much in them, and I wish more than ever they saw it too. I have the most beautiful, talented, and kind people in my life. They need to see their potential.
All I want from today is contentment of life at this point. I just want 5 minutes of acceptance that this is the hand I have been dealt in life, and though at times it isn't ideal...it is mine. There are only two ways it can go at this point- up or down. And either way the luck falls, I know that I can get through anything. All I can do is appreciate the good, and learn from the bad- knowing all the time that in an instant things can change. This is what will keep me going.
Until then...I'll continue my journey to becoming Erin.
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